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It was the year 2026 when they arrived.....
I remember when it started.
At first, it was easy to dismiss. A few remarks here and there. The odd comment about pies appearing, nobody believed it. Nothing that felt urgent. Hickling carried on regardless — it always does.
But the pies didn’t stop.
They began to appear at the edges of fields, along quiet lanes, and at the borders of the village. Always larger than expected. Always richer than anyone was quite prepared for. Before long, it became clear there were simply too many and something had to be done.
We tried pretending they weren’t there, hoping they’d pass on their own, that didn’t work, We attempted communicating with the pies, that didn't work either. Eventually, it became clear that the situation required a different approach.
That was when the guidance changed.
We were told the only way to deal with the pies was to eat them. Not to avoid them. Not to resist them. Simply to eat them. It didn’t take long to realise that those who tried to face them alone rarely lasted. The ones who fared best were the ones who came together.
That was when the responses were put in place to save the village..... and possibly the world.
At The Plough Inn in Hickling, two options were offered. For the brave, there was the Proper Pie Eating Challenge — 6 x multiple award-winning Proper Pies, served with full sides, to be eaten in one sitting by 1 person. Most people don’t finish it. A brave few did. Those names will always be remembered.
For everyone else, there was a more refined way to help. Midweek, the Plough made it easier, they made an offer - they said, they’d save us a little money on them. If we bought one pie, we would get the second for half the price but only on Wednesdays and Thursdays as these were the days when the pies seemed more ruthless, more determined.
Every pie eaten mattered.
That’s where it all happens now. The front line isn’t a battlefield. It’s a pub. The Plough Inn. Hickling. People come in, they eat, they talk, they laugh — and slowly, the number of pies begins to fall.
I don’t know how it ends. But for now, we’re holding the line. And if the pies come back, at least we know what to do.
THE KNOWN PIES
Field report...
At first, we thought there were only a few of them, after careful observation, we’ve now identified six recurring pies.
They appear regularly, they are well-documented, and they account for the majority of sightings.
We know their behaviour. We know their size. We know exactly how tasty they are.
These are the Proper Pies.
Pie One: Steak & Stilton
Heavy. Confident. Unapologetic.
Slow-cooked steak in rich gravy, sealed beneath pastry and fortified with Long Clawson Stilton.
Approach with caution. Often underestimated.
Pie Two: Steak & Stout
Darker. Deeper. More intense.
Locally sourced beef, cooked low and slow in stout until resistance becomes impossible.
Lingers longer than expected
Pie Three: Chicken & Mushroom
Deceptively comforting.
Roast chicken, earthy mushrooms, and a creamy sauce that draws people in before they realise what they’ve taken on.
A common cause of overconfidence.
Pie Four: Lamb & Mint
Rarely seen elsewhere.
Tender lamb in dark gravy, finished with a subtle hint of mint.
Do not assume it will be gentle.
Pie Five: Cannellini Bean (Ve)
Quiet. Steady. Persistent.
A fully plant-based pie that proves the absence of meat does not reduce the threat.
Often misjudged.
Pie Six: Homity (V)
Golden. Familiar. Dangerous in volume.
Potatoes, onions, leeks, and cheese bound together beneath pastry.
A classic — and classics endure for a reason.
THE UNKNOWN PIES
Special sightings..
Every so often, something else appears. Pies we’ve never seen before. Different fillings. Different behaviour. They arrive without warning, stay briefly, and then vanish again. These are the special pies.
No two sightings are ever quite the same. They are not announced in advance. We don’t fully understand them and once they’re gone, they may never return.
All we know is this: If you see one listed on the board…You should act quickly.